1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
3. MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
4. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
5. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
7. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
8. Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
10. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
11. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
12. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
13. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
14. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
16. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
17. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
19. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
20. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
21. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided into a series.
22. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
23. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
24. It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
25. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
26. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.
27. In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later they discovered is the cause of Parkinson's disease.
28. Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for KFC and Tequila.
30. Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down now!
31. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
33. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
34. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
35. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
37. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
38. Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's crap!
39. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
40. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
-- I have commented out some of the more raunchy ones.